Nation Reassured of Digital Future by man in History’s Oldest Robes

King Charles III, dressed in robes last updated when Shakespeare was alive, confirms Britain ready for 21st century.

In scenes that experts described as “totally normal,” a 76-year-old man wearing a velvet cape, ceremonial sword, and a hat valued at £3 million, addressed Parliament yesterday to confirm that Britain will be “modernising how citizens interact with public services” through the introduction of Digital ID.

The monarch, seated on a throne that predates electricity, Wi-Fi, and the concept of knowing what a browser is, delivered the message on behalf of the government with the full solemnity the outfit demands, while announcing the Digital Access to Services Bill.

“It is vital,” said a government spokesman afterwards, “that the public trust us with their biometric data, and who better to convey that message than someone who inherited his job, owns several castles, and communicates exclusively via a speech written by other people and read aloud from a scroll?”

Supporters of Digital ID called the announcement a landmark moment. Critics noted that the King’s own identity has never once been in question, as he is accompanied at all times by armed guards, horses, and a solid gold stick called a mace.

“The scheme will be entirely voluntary,” the government confirmed, in the same tone it uses when it says things are entirely mandatory, before signing the bill with a feathered quill.

The King wished Parliament God’s blessing and was then driven home in a horse-drawn carriage, as is customary when announcing the future of tech policie.