“This Isn’t Austerity Because We’re Also Buying More Weapons”, Insists UK Government

Chancellor Rachel Reeves has reassured the nation that slashing £4.8 billion from welfare isn’t technically austerity—because the government is also splashing out on defence.

“We’re not just cutting support for struggling families; we’re also investing £2.2 billion in military spending,” Reeves explained. “If it were only making poor people poorer, that would be austerity. But this way, we get jets and food banks—everyone wins.”

The government insists that pushing 250,000 more people into poverty is merely an unfortunate side effect of “balancing the books.” Critics argue that gutting welfare while increasing military funding is an odd definition of balance, but ministers remain unfazed.

“If people are struggling, they should simply work harder,” said one MP, moments before expensing a three-course lunch.