U.S. Celebrates Democracy’s 250th By Watching Men Punch Each Other In A Cage

The United States of America will mark 250 years of democratic self-governance next month by bolting a wire-mesh cage-fighting arena to the front lawn of the White House for people to fight in.

Historians have described the decision as “very much a choice.”

Workmen are currently constructing a 5,000-seat octagon on the White House South Lawn, festooned in red, white and blue, complete with giant screens and space for a marching band, in preparation for a UFC championship bout on June 14th.

The date also falls on the President’s 80th birthday, a coincidence so remarkable that nobody mentioned it for several months.

The event has been named “UFC Freedom 250,” a title that has impressiveley managed to compress the entire arc of Western civilisation into three words.

Ringside seats are technically free, though sponsorship packages to actually obtain one are reportedly available for up to $1.5 million, making them among the more modestly priced items currently on offer in the capital.

The South Lawn itself now sits between a construction project replacing the East Wing with a ballroom, and a patio where the Rose Garden used to be, redesigned to more closely resemble the President’s Florida resort.

The overall aesthetic has been described by one observer as “a Wetherspoons that got planning permission.”

The Founding Fathers were reached out to for comment, but were understandably unavailable.