Starmer faces PMQs alone after suspending entire party

Sir Keir Starmer found himself sitting alone at PMQs this morning after suspending every other member for “bringing the party into disrepute” by sending messages that were either inappropriate, embarrassing, or simply used too many emojis.

The scandal erupted after leaked WhatsApp messages revealed sexist and racist remarks in a group chat. Starmer, known for his strict approach to discipline and desperate need for approval from right-wing tabloids, responded in the only way he knows how—by suspending absolutely everyone.

“Enough is enough,” declared Starmer, standing in an empty Commons, while typing furiously into a group chat that no longer contained anyone else. “I will not tolerate a culture where Labour members use WhatsApp in a way that is inconsistent with the values of this party, or indeed, my own personal vision of an entirely scandal-free, controversy-free, fun-free political organisation.”

With the entire parliamentary Labour Party now sitting in parliamentary and WhatsApp exile, questions remain over who, if anyone, will be left to contest the next election. Reports suggest that Starmer has been seen talking to himself in an empty Zoom call, occasionally muting and unmuting his own microphone for realism.

In a rare display of fake concern, the Conservative Party issued a statement condemning Labour’s internal chaos.

“We find it deeply troubling that a major political party would allow WhatsApp messages to cause such an implosion,” said a Tory spokesperson, before swiftly deleting a separate group chat titled “LOL Labour Implosion”.

As for Keir Starmer, he remains the sole active member of the Labour Party’s official WhatsApp group, where he is reportedly sending periodic reminders to himself about party discipline, policy priorities, and the importance of avoiding emojis.

Header from ‘Narcos’, S2E04