Politician to spend summer fighting a bin for his job

Nigel Farage, the man who has spent thirty years raging against a political system he considers corrupt, unaccountable and beneath contempt, resigned from parliament this week in order to immediately stand for parliament again.

The decision was triggered by two separate investigations into undeclared gifts, including a £5 million donation from a Thailand-based cryptocurrency investor, received shortly before Farage announced he would stand for election — an announcement he had previously said he would not make. He has done nothing wrong. The establishment is out to get him. These things are not in question.

By resigning preemptively, Farage has neatly paused both investigations for the duration of a by-election he himself called, to be fought on his own terms, against candidates of his choosing — which is to say, almost none. Labour, the Conservatives, the Liberal Democrats and the Greens have all declined to stand, variously describing the contest as “fake,” a “gimmick,” a “stunt” and “not a real election.”

Count Binface has confirmed he will stand.

Farage will therefore spend the summer months canvassing the streets of Clacton, making the people-versus-the-establishment case to an electorate of roughly 75,000 people, against a novelty candidate in a bin helmet who has pledged to build at least one affordable house.

This is where British politics has arrived. The man most likely to be the next prime minister is currently preparing campaign literature for a by-election against a bin.

The bin, to its credit, has not accepted any undeclared donations.

Politics, however, is fully in the bin.