Nation Warned That Temperatures Too Hot For Humans; Humans Immediately Lie In Direct Sunlight

Health authorities issued an amber heat warning for large parts of England on Monday, urging the public to stay indoors, stay hydrated, and avoid unnecessary exertion.

But by mid-morning the nation’s reservoirs, rivers, lakes, quarries and ornamental ponds were operating at full capacity.

The UK Health Security Agency advised that temperatures reaching the mid-thirties posed a serious risk to health, particularly for the elderly, the very young, and anyone planning to enter open water without knowing its depth, temperature, currents, or whether it was a designated swimming location.

None of this information appears to have reached the queue for Hampstead Heath Ponds, which by 11am stretched to the road.

It is the third significant heatwave to strike Britain this summer, meaning the nation has now had sufficient practice to have formed strong opinions on the subject while remaining entirely unwilling to adjust its behaviour in response to any of them.

Front pages urged readers to stay safe by loitering near water, accompanied by a photograph of a beach that appeared to contain roughly the population of a medium-sized city. A government spokesman said the public should treat open water with “extreme caution,” which is understood to mean something different to different people, several of whom were photographed jumping off a bridge into a river in Leeds at the time the statement was issued.

Forecasters confirmed temperatures will remain elevated until at least Wednesday. The nation is expected to spend Tuesday doing exactly the same thing again.