AI Industry to be regulated by AI

Concerns that artificial intelligence could one day wipe out humanity have eased considerably after the companies building it promised Donald Trump they would try extremely hard not to.

The new morals-reliant agreement will see America’s largest technology firms police themselves, combining the regulatory rigour of a gentleman’s agreement with the enforcement powers of a Post-it note.

Trump described the accord as “basically a Constitution”, although constitutional experts noted that the original Constitution traditionally contained more law and fewer people draining the Earth’s resources.

Under the scheme, AI companies will operate internal safety teams, appoint oversight committees and employ independent auditors, whose independence will be carefully protected by allowing the companies being audited to choose them.

A fictional industry spokesman said: “This is incredibly robust. If one of our systems develops the ability to manipulate governments, design biological weapons or enslave mankind, it will immediately be referred to a committee.

“The committee will then produce a strongly worded PDF with the help of Chat GPT.”

Executives stressed that self-regulation had worked extremely well in other industries, citing social media, investment banking and the Boeing 737 MAX before hurriedly asking for the next question.

The White House is also considering creating an oversight committee of its own, ensuring the companies policing themselves will themselves be monitored by another group of people considering whether they should perhaps monitor them.

Asked what would happen if a company ignored the agreement, officials confirmed there could be serious consequences.

“They would have broken their promise,” explained one. “And we would all be extremely disappointed.”

The technology industry welcomed the breakthrough, saying humanity could now concentrate on the real danger posed by artificial intelligence: failing to cash out before the market bubble bursts.