Front page exclusive: two people buy a holiday home

In earth-shattering, stop-the-presses news that you definitely needed to know, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have reportedly bought a holiday home in Portugal. That’s right folks, just when you thought they couldn’t possibly find more ways to shock the universe, they’ve gone and… purchased real estate. We know—take a moment to let the magnitude of this development sink in.

While ordinary mortals might purchase a second home to escape the daily grind, when Harry and Meghan do it, it’s practically a geopolitical event. Forget rising inflation, climate change, or literally anything else happening on this chaotic planet—two people have bought a house, and it’s got eight bedrooms. Eight! That’s almost as many rooms as it takes to contain the collective media frenzy surrounding this completely pointless headline.

According to sources that totally weren’t just two interns guessing from their cubicles, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex were attracted to Portugal’s… well, everything, because it’s a country and has sunshine. Is that enough reason to warrant worldwide coverage? Of course! What better way to remind us that they’ve got money and we don’t?

We’ve also learned that Meghan may have her eye on decorating their new palace away from palace. We can only speculate what level of scandal this might cause in the world of throw pillows. Could it be a neutral palette with the occasional splash of gold? Is Harry more into rustic wood or modern marble? The fate of global diplomacy might hinge on this.

And because no purchase involving the Sussexes is complete without a sprinkling of symbolism, it’s rumored that this home is a symbol of… peace, or freedom, or maybe just the desire to own a place to lounge in between global lawsuits and speaking engagements.