Patriotic Rioters Heroically Attack Police to Save Britain From Migrants

London was treated to a fine display of “plastic patriotism” this weekend as thousands of flag-wavers turned out to insist they weren’t racist, they just really hate foreigners. The “Unite the Kingdom” march, organised by professional grievance-magnet Tommy Robinson, saw protesters chanting, drinking, and chucking bottles at police in what organisers described as a “family-friendly event”.

Officers reported being pelted with flares and abuse, with 26 injured and 25 arrests made. “It’s just what Winston would’ve wanted,” explained one marcher, proudly standing in front of a Greggs while shouting at a bus driver for being “probably foreign”.

Elon Musk, never one to miss a publicity opportunity, beamed in via video link to declare that “violence is coming” — which was handy, as by that point it already had. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer described the whole thing as “plastic patriotism”, though critics suggested this was unfair to plastic, which at least serves a useful purpose.

Several participants insisted their banners demanding migrants be deported en masse weren’t racist. “It’s just common sense,” said definitely-not-racist Simon Williams. “If you can’t call asylum seekers ‘cockroaches’ without being branded a bigot, then free speech is dead.”

Counter-protesters, numbering in the thousands, gathered to remind Britain that shouting “send them home” at strangers isn’t actually part of our cultural heritage. “We prefer tea, queuing, and passive aggression,” explained one.

By Sunday morning, London was left to sweep up the broken glass, the empty cans of Stella, and the gnawing suspicion that patriotism now involves hurling flares at police while moaning about “woke Britain” — all while insisting, loudly and repeatedly, that it’s not racist.