Trump brings Ukraine closer to peace by ensuring there’s absolutely no chance of peace

Donald Trump has once again proved his unrivalled skill as a negotiator by taking Ukraine and Russia further from peace than at any point since the war began, mostly by sitting in the Oval Office, nodding approvingly at Vladimir Putin’s wish list, and stroking his own ego for three straight hours.

“Everybody said peace was complicated, very complicated,” Trump declared, while holding up what appeared to be a child’s crayon drawing of Europe with Ukraine scribbled out. “But I made it simple. No sanctions. No ceasefire. We just let Putin do whatever he wants. Tremendous plan. Nobody thought of it before.”

According to insiders, Trump was briefly distracted during his meeting with Volodymyr Zelenskyy by a framed picture of himself on the wall, at which point negotiations stalled until aides turned the photo around so he could look at himself while still pretending to listen.

Trump later explained his genius strategy: “You don’t beat Putin with pressure. You beat him by agreeing with him, flattering him, and maybe offering him Alaska. Honestly, does America even use Alaska? Not really. It’s cold. Very cold. I prefer Mar-a-Lago.”

Meanwhile, Zelenskyy, who had flown to Washington in the hope of securing more support, left looking like a man who had just discovered his dinner date was secretly working for the other side and had already ordered dessert. Reports suggest his only comment afterwards was, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Critics pointed out that conceding Ukrainian territory to Russia while reducing sanctions isn’t actually peacebuilding, but Trump disagreed. “It’s peace,” he said. “Peace for Putin, which is the best kind of peace. And if Putin’s happy, we’re all happy. Except Ukraine. But you can’t please everyone, folks.”

International reaction has been swift. European leaders privately admitted they were “horrified but not surprised,” while in Moscow, Putin was reportedly seen opening champagne and adding “Trump 2025” to his list of national holidays.