UK faces ice-age nightmare as weather doesn’t care about Jubilee

The weather is expected to continue its selfish lack of total disregard for the UK over the Jubilee weekend, leaving people up and down the country in distress and disarray.

The celebration of the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee are now a total write off because of some water falling from the sky.

“We just can’t handle it, let alone the sausage rolls,” says one distraught member of the public.

People have spent the week nervously emailing and writing letters to the Council of Meteorology in the sky, who appear to have paid no heed to the calls for exceptional ‘Spain-like’ weather previously never experienced in the nation.

“We thought we could control the weather – even though no one has ever been able to do that in the history of humanity, we were deluded enough to think this time, the weather would listen,” lamented one couple. “We had plans for Pimm’s – I just threw the bottle away entirely. Hope is gone.”

In what appears to be a bout of mockery, the Council have decided that the UK will experience the height of sunny weather on Thursday and Friday, which is simply too early for the weekend celebrations. Instead, by Saturday, things will be shrouded over in clouds of utter darkness and reach the freezing temperature of 11 degrees C.

While things can take a turn, because the weather is an insentient being that couldn’t possibly care about our mozzarella sticks, the threat of rain will no doubt be overshadowing us all.

If only there was something that we could put on, or hold above our heads to save us from this near-extinction calamity.