US National Security Plan: Seizing Oil, Kidnapping, and Collecting Icebergs

President Donald JTrump has reportedly updated America’s foreign policy to a simple guideline: “Everywhere. Go there. Now.”

On Sunday, moments after a daring military operation in Venezuela that saw Nicolás Maduro taken into custody and an urgent request for “complete access to Venezuela’s oil,” the president was back aboard Air Force One issuing further strategic objectives.

Sources say Trump mulled over whether Cuba, Colombia, Mexico, and even Greenland might soon be rebooted as US protectorates, amusement parks or part of the national natural resources portfolio.

“I was thinking,” Trump reportedly said, “If we need Venezuela’s oil, then surely we need Greenland’s ice — strategically.” The Danish Prime Minister was quick to point out that Greenland isn’t on sale and is, indeed, part of Denmark, which is a thing.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by The White House (@whitehouse)

There are also unconfirmed plans to introduce a new American holiday: Annexation Monday, which would celebrate territorial expansion and come with commemorative snow globes where the planet is covered in a big American flag.

Meanwhile, the United States Embassy in Nuuk, Greenland’s capital, sent an urgent memo asking Trump to please stop, reminding him that Greenlanders already have plenty of ice and they prefer leaving it where it is. A spokesperson added that “it also helps keep polar bears alive, which is at least one less thing for 2026 to worry about.”

State Department officials are reportedly considering a new plan that combines a reality TV show with a foreign policy summit, provisionally titled The Real Sovereignties of the Western Hemisphere, in which leaders will compete for a one-year lease on US military protection, free oil rights and a chance to appear in the next Trump golf course promo.

More updates as the situation develops — or as the president tweets.