UK in Crisis as 23°C “Heatwave” Looms

The UK is in full meltdown mode after temperatures are set to reach a staggering 23°C this week, with experts confirming that no, it’s definitely never been this hot before, despite it happening every other summer.

Nationwide panic erupted as cars, previously capable of navigating blizzards, potholes, and bizarrely large puddles, face a new threat of meltin g under the extreme heat. “It’s chaos,” said Craig Thompson, a self-proclaimed “car expert” and occasional Top Gear viewer. “The roads are literally melting. The engine temperature? Off the charts. What do you expect when it’s hotter than the sun?”

The British government has responded with the usual combination of ineptitude and indecisiveness, issuing advice that is at once both baffling and completely ineffective. “In these uncertain times, we are urging the public to consider the well-being of their vehicles,” said a government spokesperson, clearly reading off a script written by an intern. “We recommend parking only in shaded areas, or if that’s not possible, perhaps parking under a really thick cloud. It’s the only sensible course of action.”

As temperatures soar above what’s normally considered mild for a day in early May, the government is expected to issue a statement recommending that people “stay indoors with a pint of Pimm’s, ideally under the air conditioner.”

Locals are also refusing to step outside, claiming the sun is “blistering” and “dangerous.” “I tried to go for a walk, but the heat was unbearable,” said Claire Worthington, a resident of Manchester. “The pavements were literally too warm to touch. I thought my flip-flops were going to catch fire. I’m never going outside again until it’s under 18°C. This is the apocalypse.”

Further reports claim the heat could wreak havoc on basic tasks like “going for a run without sweating” and “putting on a jumper”. Experts fear the nation may have to cancel summer altogether.

We used to be a real country…