Trump Crowns Himself World Leader with Stolen Chelsea Cup

In an unexpected twist following Chelsea’s latest trophy win — which, to be clear, was supposed to be a celebration of football — former US President Donald Trump has reportedly refused to vacate the winner’s podium, insisting the gleaming silverware is actually an official declaration of his new title: President of the World.

The incident unfolded shortly after Chelsea clinched the Cup (which Cup? Doesn’t matter — Trump doesn’t know either). As players prepared for their victory lap, Trump, clad in an ill-fitting Chelsea scarf and a Make Football Great Again cap, waltzed onto the pitch to a mixture of confusion and horror from actual football fans.

“This beautiful trophy — the best trophy, people tell me, nobody’s ever seen a trophy like this — it’s obviously for me,” Trump told bewildered journalists. “Chelsea? I love Chelsea. Chelsea Clinton’s a friend. She probably voted for me twice. Tremendous people, the Chelseas.”

Security made a half-hearted attempt to usher him off the field, but the former president stood his ground, eventually taking the trophy back to the White House with him.

Fans in the stands looked on horrified as Trump demanded a penalty shootout with “whoever thinks they can beat me” for control of the World Presidency.