Sue Gray’s Partygate probe was actually a 60-page resume submitted to Labour

In the most unsurprising political event to ever happen, it turns out you can buy support by paying people you want on your side with more money.

Civil servant Sue Gray became infamously known for her extensive and critical probe into Downing Street lockdown parties, which was released in May 2022. She resigned on Thursday – to much surprised murmurings and guffaws that echoed throughout the halls of Westminster – after being offered the position of Chief of Staff with the Labour Party.

Many were quick to point out that the decision hugely undermines the ‘Partygate’ investigation to the point that the probe essentially didn’t happen at all. In fact, Gray’s apparent step away from impartiality actually proves there were no parties, no investigation, and Boris Johnson didn’t attend any parties because, guess what, there weren’t any.

It now goes without saying that the Partygate probe was anti-Brexit, anti-Tory sentiment in disguise, and Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer orchestrated the whole thing so he could nip out for a curry during lockdown.

A party is set to take place in Downing Street tonight, in honour of the parties that never happened, of course, and to reinstate Boris Johnson as Prime Minister of the UK and the EU, which has crumbled at the news. The GBP is once again up against the dollar at 500 to 1, and everyone in the country has united in their support for the Tories.

“We all thought Covid was the nightmare we couldn’t wake up from,” said a gleeful Jacob Rees-Mogg. “But ab ovo – that’s from the beginning in Latin, of course – the nightmare was actually that people didn’t support the Tories, we royally buggered Brexit, were completely incompetent in handling our Covid response, have buckled our service sectors, and are so far behind in the polls we can’t even see Labour ahead of us. I’m so glad we’re all about to wake up from such horrors and that all of that is categorically untrue.”