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Putin Reveals New List of Countries to Target After Intense, High-Level Dart Game on Kremlin Wall Map

9 December 202515 views0

Declaring it “the most scientifically accurate military strategy Russia has conceived since that time someone guessed Ukraine would collapse in three days,” Vladimir Putin has unveiled a list of 23 UK towns and cities selected for potential strikes after he allegedly spent the morning blindfolded, spinning in circles, and hurling darts at a map of Europe.

According to anonymous Kremlin insiders, Putin initially attempted to choose targets using a Magic 8-Ball. “Ask again later” allegedly appeared 47 times, before moving on to the dartboard method after becoming frustrated.

The list was first shared by former Russian deputy prime minister – and current Guy Who Posts Angry Things Online – Dmitry Rogozin.

Rogozin, who had been tasked with developing an advanced targeting methodology but then noticed darts were on sale at a local Moscow sporting-goods store, proudly released the results.

“We combined traditional military analysis with modern precision techniques,” Rogozin explained, standing beside a battered map peppered with holes and at least one dart stuck in the Black Sea. “Where the dart landed, we circled it. Where the dart missed the map entirely, we assumed the target was too stealthy.”

Residents across the UK expressed confusion upon learning that their peaceful towns – many known primarily for sheep, roundabouts, or one surprisingly good curry restaurant – had made Russia’s elite Threat Board.

“We’ve got a Cooneen Defence factory, but mostly we’ve got cows,” said a bewildered Fivemiletown local. “Not sure why Putin’s mad at the cows.”

Another resident of Merthyr Tydfil said she was shocked to see her town singled out: “I didn’t even know where Merthyr Tydfil was until today, and I live here.”

Rogozin also cautioned wealthy Russian elites to avoid sending their children to study in England, calling it “deadly dangerous.” When pressed, he clarified he meant “for their bank accounts,” citing London rent, Pret sandwich prices, and the emotional toll of riding the Northern Line.

NATO leadership responded to the map with what witnesses described as a prolonged, confused silence, followed by a swift analysis of Article 5, which doesn’t explicitly mention dartboards.

The following UK locations are now considered priority targets: