Putin Accused of Plotting to Block the Sun, Prompting UK to Panic Over Losing Its 14 Minutes of Annual Sunshine

UK ministers have launched an urgent investigation into fears that Vladimir Putin could be plotting to block out the actual sun using sinister “weather weapons”.

The British government now suspects the Russian president might be weaponising clouds in a dastardly attempt to ruin barbecues, obscure rare solar exposure, and delay the one week of summer the UK experiences between July 13th and 19th.

“Could Putin plunge Britain into eternal drizzle?” asked one minister, anonymously, while nervously applying SPF 50 to his forehead “just in case.” “The science is… unclear. But it feels plausible.”

Experts suggest the alleged weapon may involve “cloud seeding” — a technique pioneered by science fiction films and Bond villains. The theory: by firing particles into the sky, Putin could artificially summon clouds, robbing Britain of its crucial top-up of Vitamin D and national optimism.

“This is the most British threat imaginable,” said weather analyst Bev Cumulo. “It’s not an invasion, it’s just slightly gloomier afternoons.”

The Met Office responded by saying they had already prepared for this possibility by never forecasting actual sunshine anyway.

Meanwhile, a Russian spokesperson dismissed the claims, stating, “If we could control the weather, would we not have done something about Moscow winters?”

Nevertheless, Downing Street is urging citizens to remain calm and pray for a heatwave. Or at least a glimpse of blue sky.

And while this is meant to be the satirical section of the site, this is actually a genuine article which you can facepalm while reading here.