New Miracle Anti-Obesity Drug Solves All Diseases and Your Gym Membership Guilt

In a groundbreaking turn of events that’s left gym bros sobbing into their creatine shakes, scientists have confirmed that anti-obesity drugs like Wegovy and Ozempic aren’t just melting away fat—they’re also casually improving heart health, cutting cancer risk, reducing sleep apnea, and probably aligning your chakras too.

“Turns out, you don’t need to deadlift your way to enlightenment,” said Dr. Karen Lowell, a metabolic researcher and part-time Pilates dropout. “Just a weekly jab and boom—lower blood pressure, improved insulin sensitivity, and apparently a 42% increase in smugness.”

The announcement has triggered a wave of existential crises in CrossFit boxes nationwide. Meanwhile, fitness influencers on Instagram have begun pivoting to spiritual wellness, pushing crystal-infused hydration routines and ‘aura squats’ in a desperate attempt to stay relevant.

Public health officials are cautiously optimistic. However, wellness food companies are set to report billions in losses, as sales of quinoa have already dropped 80%.

But pharmaceutical companies remain undeterred – for them, this is just the beginning.

“We’re now trialling an anti-obesity nasal spray that also fixes your credit score and makes your ex regret everything,” said a spokesperson for Big Slim Pharma.

As society teeters on the brink of a future where nobody has to pretend to like kale or exercising again, one thing is clear: the war between medicine and muscle is over—and the treadmill, and its accompanying superiority complex it instills in the gym bros, has lost.