Need for Speed: Macron’s Aviators Are the Real Global Security Strategy

Davos 2026 is officially in the Danger Zone. Forget GDP, inflation, or climate change. The true global strategy this year is pure, unadulterated testosterone. And nobody, I repeat, nobody, is piloting this fighter jet of alpha energy better than Emmanuel Macron. Why? Because he came strapped with aviators so reflective they could blind hostile nations at 500 meters.

Meanwhile, the rest of Davos is attempting to keep up in this high-speed aerial dogfight of masculinity. Argentinian President Javier Milei is itching for action with a metaphorical chainsaw (thankfully grounded for now), and Volodymyr Zelensky is basically a small drone surrounded by a swarm of heavily armed bodyguards.

The supporting cast of chaos includes Boris Johnson, the human parachute failure; Nigel Farage, struggling with Swiss carbonation like a rookie in a simulator; and a flock of podcasters documenting every minor turbulence for posterity. Later, jet-lagged Donald Trump is expected taxi onto the runway, likely triggering a micro-invasion of Luxembourg and several international lawsuits before cocktail hour.

Even Joe Biden has felt the need to borrow a pair, presumably to keep up in the global coolness dogfight. Trump, still disoriented from his flight, may probably text Macron asking if they double as blackout goggles for naptime during high-level briefings.

Meanwhile, the French internet has collectively collapsed into existential despair – though there is no denying it has never looked so stylish.