Nation linking autism to paracetamol still baffled by link between not having healthcare and dying

The United States has once again flexed its world-leading capacity for medical insight by deciding that autism might be caused by paracetamol, while still struggling to grasp the simpler concept that people without healthcare tend to, well, die.

Speaking at a press conference that was part science seminar, part stand-up routine, former President Donald Trump claimed that pregnant women taking Tylenol – the American word for paracetamol, because “paracetamol” contains too many foreign letters – could be causing autism in their children.

“A lot of people are saying it,” Trump declared confidently, “and you know, I listen to a lot of people. The best people. Very smart people who don’t use Tylenol.”

Experts immediately clarified that there is no credible scientific evidence for this claim, but conceded that explaining “correlation isn’t causation” to a country that still can’t link mass shootings to guns is like explaining algebra to a ham sandwich. “It’s amazing,” sighed one exhausted epidemiologist. “They can connect Tylenol to autism, but can’t connect medical bankruptcy to, you know, dying.”

Fox News rushed to support Trump’s theory, warning parents that “Big Pharma wants your unborn child to mainline paracetamol.” Meanwhile, CNN pointed out that the same Americans panicking about painkillers also think universal healthcare is “socialism”.

Across the Atlantic, Europe watched in disbelief. “They can trace a molecule of Tylenol through a placenta,” said one British doctor, “but they can’t trace how a lack of insulin leads to someone’s death. It’s like they’re playing medical Cluedo with the lights off.”

Still, Trump’s remarks have already inspired a new wave of wellness influencers promoting “natural pregnancy” — a regime that involves no medication, no doctors, and plenty of prayer. The movement’s slogan, “Trust Your Gut, Even If It’s Wrong,” has been warmly endorsed by Republican lawmakers who voted against expanding Medicaid for the ninth consecutive year.

At press time, Trump was reportedly preparing to announce that he had solved the healthcare crisis altogether by declaring that “if people just didn’t get sick, we’d save a fortune.”