Cheating husband can’t work out why everyone hates him when he just has so much love to give

Dear Despair,

I had an affair with a woman who broke up with me because I am not going to leave my wife. I want to be with this woman and am devastated that she has had the self-respect to leave me because in two years I took no action towards leaving my wife.

I have spoken to my friends about this issue, and they all agree that she is entirely at fault and should come running back to me, begging for us to get back together. Admittedly they are all imaginary because any emotionally developed adult would not condone this kind of treatment of anyone, but I am clearly a massive child. Did I mention I’m not going to leave my wife?

On that note, our marriage has been more or less over for several years but I haven’t been upfront about it – instead I chose to fall in love with someone else instead of seeking help or walking away for our mutual independent happiness. She suspected I was having an affair, but I didn’t want to tell her the truth. No, what I mean is, I wanted to have the best of both worlds – convince myself I am an upstanding family man and husband while also getting my needs met elsewhere. No, that’s not what I mean either. What I mean is, nobody got hurt – telling the truth is like hitting a nuclear button. Yes, that’s what I’ve done – I’ve actually been saving people, like a true hero, and what do I get for all my efforts? I’m hurt.

I have a daughter, too. All of this is really to protect her, at the end of the day. After all, lying to everybody and holding my wife hostage in a loveless marriage devoid of intimacy and depriving her of any chance of happiness while simultaneously overlooking the highly observant nature of children and the emotional damage this environment can cause to their development and understanding of the world is the only way to ensure I continue to provide for my daughter.

So I have lost the person I love, and when I see her in public she seems…happy, without me. No, not my wife, the other woman. I feel stuck underneath a pile of negative emotions that I’ve sought help for through counselling – though I cannot seem to grasp the idea of ‘guilt’ and ‘responsibility’, no matter how many times he explains it.

I’m clearly the victim in all of this. The woman I love has rejected me and the woman I lied to doesn’t want anything to do with me. It’s just so unfair – why can’t they see that I was doing it for them? Why doesn’t anyone want to marry or date me?

Above all, why do there have to be consequences for wanting to be happy at the expense of other people?

With absolutely no moral regard whatsoever,
A fully grown adult who should definitely do some inner work before embarking on any kind of relationship to spare us all, Adrian.