Louvre Heist Sends Mona Lisa and Friends Into Existential Panic

In what authorities are calling “the most polite robbery in history,” thieves waltzed into the Louvre this morning and made off with several priceless Napoleon-era jewels. Eyewitnesses report that the seven-minute daylight heist was conducted with the efficiency of a breakfast queue at a Parisian café, leaving museum staff “mildly inconvenienced but otherwise well-caffeinated.”

Curators around the world are hoping The British Museum has an air-tight alibi.

Confusion reigned among tourists who mistook the intruders for an avant-garde performance art piece. “My bad,” admitted local visitor Thierry Dupont, “I assumed that guy suspended by wire from the ceiling was just part of the exhibit. He was very convincing. Very French.”

Security experts report that museum protocols are now under review, including the radical suggestion that guards should actually watch the exhibits instead of checking their TikTok feeds. In related news, souvenir shops have begun selling “I Survived the Louvre Heist” T-shirts.

Several of the Louvre’s most famous paintings reportedly suffered mild existential crises of their own. Sources claim that the Mona Lisa’s smile has definitely wavered, while the Liberty Leading the People canvas is now leaning slightly backward in what curators are calling “pure disbelief”.

Art historians are rushing to catalog not only the stolen jewels but also the emotional collateral damage. Reports suggest that some sculptures have developed tense jawlines and others, like the Venus de Milo, are holding their arms in what experts suspect is a defensive posture.

The Louvre has promised to reopen once staff finish alphabetising the shrapnel of shattered pride, and international jewel collectors are reportedly forming a prayer circle for the safe return of the pilfered treasures.