It’s actually literally impossible to be literal

Literally, quite literally, means precisely or actually. But the complete disregard for semantic accuracy and inexplicable necessity to hyper-dramatise our own lives to constantly being at the point of death, severe psychological collapse or uncontrollable emotional hysteria has led to the following infuriating redefinitions:

Literally = I’m exaggerating the impossible here for emphasis

Actually = happened, but in an exaggerated manner

Actually + literally = definitely did not happen but I am feeling like the lead character of an otherwise completely inane experience and you must respond this illusion with awestruck realism

Only, when you say literally, it literally means you are being literal, and describing something exactly as it happened. 

So. Were you really scared to death? Are you dead right now as you tell this tale, Sarah?

Did you really have one million emails to reply to today, Tom? Literally? Actually?

Did you really drown on the way to the restaurant in the rain, Beverly? Are you currently a walking corpse with water-filled lung holes?

And Luke, please explain to me how you can ‘actually’ ‘literally’ ‘almost’ be…well, anything at all frankly.

…because when you say you’re actually literally anything, or something actually literally happened, you actually sound like a literal idiot and figuratively drive us all insane.