Israel Urges World to Stop Others From Doing Exactly What Israel Does

In an urgent plea this week, Israel called on the entire international community to take a firm stand against the spread of nuclear weapons — specifically the kind not already stockpiled in Israel’s own backyard.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, standing beside what observers assume is a purely decorative nuclear arsenal, warned that “no one should be allowed to have them as they destabilise the region.” He did not clarify whether “no one” includes countries that definitely don’t officially acknowledge having them but definitely have them.

The call for action follows reports of fresh bombings in Iran, part of Israel’s annual tradition of reminding the world that Iran is “almost, nearly, basically there” in its decades-long quest to maybe someday think about building a bomb that might, in a far-off timeline, rival Israel’s alleged-but-please-don’t-ask stockpile.

“We simply cannot tolerate the idea of another nation one day acquiring what we already have but pretend not to,” said Netanyahu. “And resigning those old agreements that we never signed in the first place isn’t going to cut it. We need real action. Preferably military action. Ideally someone else’s military.”

When asked if Israel would consider disclosing its own nuclear capability or signing the Non-Proliferation Treaty like nearly everyone else, officials responded by staring blankly into the middle distance and changing the subject to “security concerns.”

Meanwhile, the international community is reportedly torn between furrowing their brows sternly and nodding politely — while quietly updating their “Most Ironic Statements of the Decade” list.

At press time, sources confirmed that Israel’s next plea will likely urge the world to ban secret nuclear stockpiles, unless they are very, very secret and belong to countries that really deserve them.