Instead of turning up the heating, turn up your right-wing outrage

In another case of “it’s always the other party’s fault”, Keir Starmer has unveiled a novel solution for pensioners worried about their winter heating bills, suggesting that becoming “angrily and powerlessly right-wing” will provide all the warmth they need.

As the debate on cuts to winter fuel payments heads to the Commons, Labour’s research has shown that a steady diet of simmering resentment, fuelled by talk radio and tabloid headlines, can be just as effective as central heating. Why rely on expensive energy when a good dose of righteous indignation will keep you toasty all season?

“For generations, pensioners have relied on inefficient radiators and electric blankets,” Starmer continued. “But with the right attitude—complaints about ‘woke culture,’ confusion over gender pronouns, and a strong belief that things were better in the 1950s and under the Tories—you’ll find a warm glow building up inside, no matter how cold it gets outside.”

Energy experts, however, remain skeptical. “While mild annoyance might give you a fleeting sense of warmth, relying on full-blown fury to heat your home through January might be unrealistic,” one noted. “But it’s cheaper than a heat pump.”

Starmer finished with a simple promise: “In these tough times, don’t just turn up the thermostat—turn up your outrage.”