How to avoid getting fired for inappropriate behaviour at your Christmas do, by Gregg Wallace

Former MasterChef host and self-proclaimed expert on inappropriate behaviour awkward situations, Gregg Wallace, is here to offer his invaluable advice on how to navigate this boozy minefield.

1. No “I’d like to come down your chimney’ jokes

We all know Christmas is about sharing warmth and laughter, but apparently not everyone enjoys hearing such banterous genius as this, accompanied by a wink that could only be described as “serial killer-esque.” According to Gregg, this festive classic is a bit of fun. Of course if you’re too sophisticated for the chimney innuendos, Gregg obviously has many others you can try out instead, including, “I’ll munch the living daylights out of your little tart,” — which is, apparently, the more refined choice, since it’s actually about food. Supposedly.

2. Pace Yourself 

The Christmas party is a marathon, not a sprint. Gregg recommends sipping on beer instead of wine, as it somehow keeps your dignity in check, or maybe it’s just that beer makes it easier to forget what you said.

3. The Cringe-Worthy Christmas Banter

Christmas is all about fun and merriment, but some jokes are just too festive for modern sensibilities. Gregg insists that banter like “I wouldn’t mind you in my stocking” or “You’re a Christmas cracker!” should still get the hearty chuckle you expect—although recent events have dampened his festivities. Of course this now means that if the Christmas party includes a roast dinner, don’t tell the women you’re “a leg or a breast man.” Innocent enough – but leering at women’s chests while tearing apart a turkey like Henry VIII isn’t quite the office-approved way to celebrate the season of goodwill.

4. Keep the Secret Santa ‘Gifts’ PG-13

Gregg recommends the purchase of embarrassing gifts, like vibrators for the women or gay porn for the men. As it turns out, those classic “LOL, you’re so naughty!” presents don’t go down too well in the HR department. Fortunately for Gregg, he’s immune to such faux pas.

5. No Groping During Ten-Pin Bowling (Or Ever)

Many a Christmas party will find you and your colleagues bowling in the spirit of teamwork and festive competition. But if you’re Gregg, you’ll need to resist the urge to “help” your female colleagues by leaning over them and adjusting their stance with your hands on their body. And of course, “handling big balls” is not as funny as you think.

6. Bodily Contact Is Not the Christmas Spirit

Christmas is the season of giving—and that includes hugs, kisses, and awkward pats on the back. But as Gregg points out, some bodily contact might not be as welcomed as you think, especially when it involves pressing your crotch against your female colleagues. Now, Gregg swears he hasn’t done this (despite very detailed descriptions of the incident), but it’s an easy mistake to make, right? I mean, who hasn’t accidentally “accidentally” found themselves in a compromising position after a few too many mulled wines? Just to be clear: don’t do it.

In conclusion, if you want to survive the office Christmas party, do anything but follow Gregg Wallace’s instinctive behaviour – and you just might make it to New Year’s without an HR meeting or a restraining order.