Homeowner tells UK: buy a £900,000 fireplace to avoid rising heating bills

“I haven’t turned my heating on for 10 years – but I’ve managed to stay warm,” she said, curled up in front of a massive wood burner bigger than a one bed flat in London.

Was this satire? No – but it is now.

This multifaceted, trailblazing strategy included the more conventional approach to keeping warm by wearing jumpers and having an electric blanket on the bed. But the piece de resistance is the wood burner.

“It’s honestly been a financial lifesaver – all I had to do was spend £900,000 upfront on the fireplace, then pay for the necessary demolition and installation in my living room.”

This deeply out of touch individual went on to describe how the fireplace is so effective, that it warms the hall, dining room, drawing room and even the wine cellar if the door is left open.

“Normally I would have to turn the heating on in every single room – across three floors! The cost was astronomical! With the coming energy crisis, everybody needs to do this. That way, they won’t have to spend any money on heating bills.”

In another stroke of genius, she explained that the additional cost of logs, kindling and firelighters required could be offset by buying in bulk – and getting it delivered.

“Some people do live in flats, and carrying all the logs and things can be hard work for some people. I just get mine delivered!”

Great.

What a completely useless piece of advice that is so thoroughly out of touch with reality that will ultimately lead to the culling of trees that the UK doesn’t have the ability to supply.