Hipsters heartbroken to learn a moustache is not a personality trait

Cities all over the world can generally be divided across a compass – North is charming, West is bougie, East is hipster, South is a melting pot of chaos filled with hipsters who can’t afford to leave East.

It comes as no surprise that as the once hard to spot hipster has gravitated towards certain neighbourhoods, creating hubs of overpriced coffee shops and vintage clothing boutiques where you simply must spend extortionate amounts of money to look like an old man or adult child, the need to emphasise one’s individuality has taken on ever increasing desperate means.

There was the long hair, and when that wasn’t enough, we had the man bun, which quickly transitioned into a beard – or, if you were unique enough, both. But when that wouldn’t do, people began relying on their beards as more than just a conversation piece, transforming them into decorative ornaments by hanging baubles on them or weaving flowers into them to reflect an inner sensitivity.

In the latest bid for the ‘I’m not like anyone else’ badge of honour, the beard as transformed into… the moustache. Seriously. Walk down the street and count.

Still, it is a representation not only of individualism, directly breaking away from the conventional beard, but is also a signal of commitment, character, art. And who doesn’t want to endlessly gaze at art, and talk about it, complimenting assumptions about the owner’s essence and substance and such culture that is so desperately lacking in the world, and yet, here it is, found delicately nestled above a top lip in a craft beer garden.

Men all over the East and Southside of cities however have been devastated to discover that as more and more people recognise the potential of the moustache, they are not the conversation starters they were hoping for – nor are they an adequate replacement for a personality, and the voyage to discovering what truly makes a person unique and not utterly unbearable to talk to continues on.