French government collapses in no-confidence vote

The French government has collapsed after Prime Minister Michel Barnier was ousted in a no-confidence vote, though sources say MPs ensured the vote concluded before their customary three-hour wine-and-cheese break.

“Democracy is exhausting,” sighed one MP, adjusting his silk cravat.

MPs voted overwhelmingly in support of the motion against Barnier—a staggering 331 votes—before promptly leaving for a week-long “emergency reflection retreat” in Provence. The crisis stemmed from Barnier’s audacious attempt to pass a budget without a vote, reportedly because parliamentary debates kept interfering with MPs’ mid-afternoon espresso rituals.

This marks the first time a French government has collapsed in a no-confidence vote since 1962, though political experts stress that France’s ability to collapse while maintaining an air of indifference is unparalleled.

Barnier, visibly annoyed at the disruption to his usual baguette-and-bouillabaisse lunch, warned that removing him would not solve France’s financial woes. Meanwhile, President Emmanuel Macron, freshly back from a diplomatic mission in Saudi Arabia where he reportedly secured “very promising” olive oil imports, is expected to appoint a new prime minister “swiftly,” though sources suggest this means “sometime after the holidays.”

With no new elections possible until July, France faces months of uncertainty, though insiders assure the public that life will continue as usual—meaning frequent protests, philosophical debates about cheese tariffs, and a resolute refusal to compromise on work-life balance.