Farage to slash crime by legalising racism

In a bold new strategy to tackle Britain’s crime statistics, Nigel Farage has pledged to slash the nation’s crime rate overnight — by making racism perfectly legal.

Speaking outside a Wetherspoons in Clacton-on-Sea, Farage unveiled his plan to “unburden our brave police” by removing what he calls “pointless woke crimes” from the books.

“Why waste precious police time arresting a bloke for yelling slurs at a bus stop when they could be catching real criminals — like Albanian fruit pickers and French fishermen?” Farage declared to a small crowd of pensioners and confused seagulls.

Under the proposed policy, all forms of casual racism — including pub ranting, online abuse, and telling your neighbour to ‘go back where they came from’ — would be reclassified as “patriotic free speech.” Repeat offenders would instead be eligible for an OBE.

Critics have raised concerns that legalising racism might not actually reduce crime so much as make Britain a less tolerable hellscape for anyone with a tan after February. Farage dismissed these fears as “typical lefty nonsense” and claimed the plan would “unite the country under a single, glorious shade of sunburnt pink.”

Pressed for details on how this would impact actual policing, Farage explained: “If there’s no law against it, there’s no crime. Crime stats plummet. Problem solved. Next question.”

When asked whether the plan might embolden racists, Farage appeared confused. “Embolden them to do what — talk to each other more? Good! It’s called community spirit.”

Meanwhile, the Home Office has reportedly asked Farage if he’d also consider solving the housing crisis by redefining ‘homelessness’ as ‘urban camping’. Sources say he’s “open to the idea”.

At press time, Farage was last seen shaking hands with a man wearing a “Make Britain British Again” hat, both looking pleased about the drop in crime they’d personally committed to deliver — one offensive slur at a time.