By Prime Planet
Capitalism’s favourite sport-for-consumerism is over for another year
Another year, another triumphant conclusion to the world’s slowest sporting event that insists it’s actually a cultural moment. The Super Bowl has ended, meaning millions can finally stop pretending they enjoy three seconds of action followed by four minutes of adverts for pickup trucks, crypto apps that no longer exist, and beer marketed exclusively at men named Todd.
As ever, the game itself was almost incidental – a warm-up act for the real event: late-stage consumerism doing victory laps. At this point, American football is less a sport and more a delivery system for brands, halftime spectacles, and a reminder that even athletic competition must wear padding, helmets, and at least six layers of sponsorship.
This year’s game became less about who scored and more about who offended whom. At halftime, Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny delivered a mostly Spanish-language set celebrating Latino culture and continental unity, complete with nods to multicultural America – and literally translated messages of love over hate on the big screen. Trump erupted online, calling the show “absolutely terrible,” while pointing out that “nobody understands a word this guy is saying.” His broader issue wasn’t just the language – it was the fact that he couldn’t speak it.
Earlier, punk icons Green Day kicked things off with American Idiot, encouraging millions of Americans to briefly wonder why a song they’ve been angrily shouting along to for 20 years suddenly felt “political.” The band carefully avoided the harsher lyrics, opting instead for a family-friendly version of anti-authoritarianism – or, the kind approved by network lawyers and truck commercials – while still somehow triggering Donald Trump, who reportedly spent the performance furiously Googling whether he could sue a chord progression.
Trump later complained that the song was “very nasty” and “probably about me,” a rare moment of self-awareness quickly followed by outrage that a punk band might object to authoritarianism, or worse, use the word “idiot” on American soil. ICE, MAGA, and the concept of irony were said to be deeply offended, though sources confirmed none of them had previously listened to Green Day voluntarily.
In the end, the real winner wasn’t a team – it was consumerism and outrage-fuelled algorithms, meaning almost nobody noticed the final score.
