British Media Loses Plot as Mummy Pig Delivers Baby Girl at Lindo Wing

In an announcement that has stunned royal biographers, Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig announced the arrival of their second child, a bundle of joy named Evie, born early Tuesday morning at the prestigious Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital in London — yes, that Lindo Wing, favoured birthing suite of Kate Middleton and other members of the human aristocracy. Only this time – it’s a cartoon.

According to a statement from the family’s PR representative (a very tired duck), “Mummy Pig and baby Evie are doing well and enjoying a quiet moment together, while Daddy Pig has been asked to leave the delivery room after attempting to explain how contractions work.”

The birth caused a media frenzy, with outlets lining up outside the hospital since last week, and all coverage of anything else has shut down as campaigners push for the day to become a national holiday.

Observers say the family’s decision to give birth in the same hospital as the Duchess of Cambridge has sparked speculation that the Pig family is seeking formal nobility status, or at the very least, a Netflix docuseries. When asked if this meant the Pig family considered themselves “the cartoon royals,” Daddy Pig snorted, “Well, we are British, painfully charming, and already own a castle in Season 5.”

Meanwhile, George Pig, 2, has reportedly been struggling with the new family dynamic. Witnesses claim he attempted to “accidentally” roll the baby’s crib down a slight incline, muttering something about dinosaurs under his breath. Officials say no charges will be filed.

In a press conference outside the hospital, Mummy Pig appeared radiant, exhausted, and mildly annoyed as Daddy Pig tried to fit the car seat into their novelty-sized family car. “It’s been a magical experience,” she said, “and I’m just glad we managed to find parking.”

Evie Pig weighed a healthy 6 pounds, 8 ounces — or roughly three large turnips — and is already booked for appearances on Graham Norton, This Morning, and CBeebies Bedtime Stories.