Breathing is bad for the environment

In a groundbreaking discovery sure to make us all regret our very existence, scientists have announced that breathing is now officially bad for the environment.

Yes, you read that right. The simple act of inhaling and exhaling is supposedly contributing to the UK’s greenhouse gas emissions.

According to these eco-warriors of the lab, the gases we exhale, primarily carbon dioxide, account for a staggering 0.1% of the UK’s greenhouse gas emissions. That’s right, folks. Your morning yoga session and those deep, calming breaths are apparently a fast track to environmental Armageddon. Who knew mindfulness could be so reckless?

Experts are now suggesting that we all hold our breath to save the planet. “It’s a small sacrifice,” said Dr. Gasp Wright, chief researcher. “We’re not asking for much, just for everyone to consider breathing a little less.” The British Lung Foundation has reportedly expressed concern, but really, what do they know about lungs?

In an effort to combat this new menace, the government is considering a ‘breathing tax’. Each breath you take could soon come with a price tag, making that annoying colleague who never stops talking a financial liability.

Meanwhile, yoga studios are in crisis mode, rebranding their sessions as “Eco-Silent Meditation” where participants practice the fine art of not breathing at all.

So next time you take a breath, remember: the planet is counting on you to make it your last.