Americans Find Loophole in Trump’s Tariffs: Just Smuggle Everything In Themselves

American businesses and consumers looking to avoid former President Donald Trump’s latest wave of tariffs have stumbled upon an age-old economic workaround: becoming their own importers.

With tariffs sending the cost of everyday goods through the roof, enterprising citizens have turned to a cost-effective, if slightly illegal, alternative—just sailing to China and grabbing the stuff themselves. Or, for the time-strapped executive, chartering a private jet to Europe and stuffing the overhead bins with enough microchips and wine to make customs officials cry.

From tech bros in Silicon Valley renting cargo ships to bring back pallets of GPUs, to suburban moms pooling resources to smuggle in bulk toilet paper from Mexico, Americans are embracing the ancient art of “supply chain optimisation”.

Meanwhile, Walmart and Amazon, ever adaptive, have launched their new “Buy Online, Smuggle Yourself” option, where shoppers can pick up discounted items at a secret location just outside U.S. waters. Prime members, of course, get priority boarding on the dinghies.

Even airlines are catching on. Delta has announced a new fare class, “Tariff-Evader Economy”, where passengers are allowed one free carry-on bag, one personal item, and up to three suitcases full of foreign-manufactured goods.

The U.S. government, of course, has not taken kindly to this loophole. Officials warn that self-importing could lead to “economic instability, security risks, and back problems from carrying too many televisions at once.” But with tariffs continuing to rise, Americans have already begun work on an even more ambitious project: the People’s Underground International Trade System, or PUITS—a vast, secret tunnel network designed to bring in critical goods like gaming consoles, foreign cars, and decent French cheese.