A Guide for the Ethnically & Culturally Diverse Visiting Trump’s America

With President Donald Trump’s latest executive order banning citizens from a dozen nations—on what appears to be a whim scribbled in biro over a map—visiting the United States has become something of a logistical and existential gamble.

If you are not from one of the newly blacklisted countries, consider it something of a narrow escape. If you are, perhaps now is the time to brush up on the finer points of Canadian immigration policy.

For those still intent on holidaying in the United States—or as it is now styled, the People’s Federated Republic of Liberty™—some travel guidance follows.

1. Consider Your Ethnicity Carefully

Statistically, the safest way to enter Trump’s America is to be a white, heterosexual, Christian man of American descent, ideally named something like “Brad” or “Tucker.”

Should your skin tone or surname be deemed suspiciously international, you may be subject to what US Customs refers to as “enhanced hospitality,” a process involving several hours, no refreshments, and the cheery suspicion that you might be smuggling ideology in your shoes.

2. Dress the Part

Fashion has always been political, and never more so than now. The modern traveller is advised to invest in a “Make America Great Again” cap, ideally one with the slightly frayed look that implies long-standing loyalty. Avoid anything that suggests foreign influence, such as linen, modesty, or taste.

Those unable to acquire the requisite attire may attempt to approximate the American aesthetic through a combination of patriotic slogans, camouflage trousers, and a general air of belligerent confusion.

3. Delete Your Online Presence

In the Trumpian universe, one’s digital footprint is less a resume and more a rap sheet. That mildly critical Facebook post from 2016? Grounds for removal. The tweet referring to Trump as a “sentient satsuma”? Treason.

It is advised that all social media accounts be deleted, buried, and ritually exorcised before travel. Do not assume privacy settings will protect you. The Department of Homeland Security now reportedly employs interns with TikTok-level attention spans and CIA-grade surveillance tools.

4. Carry the Sacred Text

All travellers should carry a copy of The Art of the Deal at all times. When faced with suspicion, hold it aloft in both hands and murmur something about deregulation. Border officials have been trained to respond positively to such displays of faith. A well-thumbed copy may even result in expedited passage, or at the very least, a nod of grim approval.

Avoid reading the book itself, however. The prose is known to induce symptoms ranging from mild disorientation to full-blown narcissistic personality disorder.

5. Rehearse Acceptable Phrases

It is recommended that visitors memorise a short list of phrases, including:

• “I think Trump did what he had to do.”

• “The media really has gone too far.”

• “Isn’t it marvellous how gas prices have plummeted?”

These can be used as social lubrication at passport control, petrol stations, or whilst being interrogated in a Nevada holding facility.

6. Just… Don’t.

Ultimately, the most sensible advice is simply this: don’t go. There are other countries. France still exists. Portugal has wine. Scotland has hills.

Unless one has an overwhelming desire to be barked at by armed men in aviator sunglasses, or longs to see a Cheesecake Factory in its natural habitat, one might consider postponing any visit to the United States until such time as the president is no longer governed by impulse, grievance, and the Fox News chyron.

Which, all things considered, may take a while.

via BBC