2024 resolutions if you have no job but loads of money

A new year is upon us, and where would we all be without the Guardian for advice on coping with the most mundane essentials of human existence.

Here are some of 2024’s intolerable ways to feel good, all the time, about everything, and yet somehow be even more unbearable and miserable than you were last year.

Replace your alarm clock with an aromatherapy diffuser

Why get up at the crack of dawn to join all the pitiful soulless workers in the rat race? Instead, try sleeping next to a diffuser that constantly wafts lavender in your face and wake up whenever you want to an at-home yoga session and personal masseuse to achieve ultimate spiritual enlightenment and relaxation.

Winter in Bali until April

Let’s face it, the diffuser isn’t always going to cut it, as Britain falls victim to the dire misery of endless grey skies. Instead, hop on your private plane and stay the hell away from us until April. Or longer.

Buy another conversation-piece sports car to hide the fact you lack any personality!

You know, so you can drive to the south of France and bore people about how you could have been a writer but the oppressive capitalist system of the elite forced you to go into banking instead.

“Don’t kid yourself that people change.

They just become more exaggerated versions of themselves, one way or another. Accepting this saves a lot of time.” You are exempt from this of course, since you are here, reading this bile, and therefore definitely can change. You’re on a true spiritual journey this year, and so much better for it. Than everyone else, of course.

Become needlessly neurotic when it comes to going to all your dinner parties because you literally have nothing else to do all day.

More specifically, “Aim to arrive seven to 11 minutes after the appointed hour.” Got it?

Don’t reason away your feelings.

Now this might sound in direct contradiction to self-development and awareness, and that’s because it is. But being is is actually a sign if high emotional intelligence. Even though all of this isn’t very intelligent at all. Let everyone else be responsible for your behaviour.