Right-Wing Shocked to Discover NHS Still Functioning Despite Being Run Almost Entirely by “Foreigners”

Far-right commentators across the country issued urgent “wake-up calls” this week after learning that nearly 40% of Britain’s doctors were trained abroad, prompting fears that the NHS may be dangerously dependent on people who actually know how to practice medicine.

The damning report, released by the OECD and immediately misunderstood by several columnists, revealed that the UK employs twice the Western average of overseas-trained doctors — a statistic experts say explains why hospitals remain stubbornly open and patients continue surviving illnesses.

“This is a national disgrace,” said one pundit while being treated by a cardiologist from Mumbai. “We’ve outsourced healthcare to foreigners instead of training our own doctors — which we absolutely would have done by now if it weren’t for woke universities, avocado toast, and the European Union somehow.”

Ministers stressed that the real problem is not years of underfunding, collapsed medical training pipelines, or the exodus of UK-trained doctors to countries that pay them — but rather the uncomfortable reality that Britain keeps inviting qualified professionals and then acting surprised when they show up.

The report has sparked renewed calls for “home-grown doctors,” a proposal critics say is ambitious given that junior doctors currently earn less than the hospital vending machine’s annual revenue.

Right-wing outlets also expressed concern that patients may be receiving diagnoses in accents unfamiliar to them, calling it “confusing” and “un-British,” despite admitting that the diagnoses are usually correct.

At press time, officials confirmed that no immediate action would be taken, but promised to commission a review into how Britain can reduce immigration while somehow keeping all the immigrants who do the work.

Meanwhile, NHS patients said they were grateful for their doctors, regardless of where they trained — a sentiment experts say will be ignored completely.