Britain Celebrates By Blowing Things Up to Remember That Time Someone Didn’t

Across the United Kingdom, millions are gearing up for the annual November tradition of gathering in the cold, standing in muddy fields, and setting fire to effigies in celebration of a 17th-century man’s failure to commit mass murder.

Bonfire Night, also known as “that one where you nearly lose your eyebrows,” will see families enthusiastically light fireworks worth half a week’s wages while muttering, “It’s for the kids,” through chattering teeth.

“It’s a wonderful British tradition,” said local dad and part-time pyromaniac Steve Hargrave, clutching a box of supermarket fireworks labelled ‘Totally Safe Probably.’ “Nothing brings people together like commemorating a terrorist plot gone wrong by letting off explosives near a pub car park.”

Historians have long marvelled at the nation’s commitment to celebrating the failure of a political assassination. “It’s as if the U.S. had a national holiday where they celebrate the guy who didn’t shoot Lincoln,” said Dr. Harriet Pym, a lecturer in British absurdities. “But then again, this is the same country that queues to see a 400-year-old spoon, so it tracks.”

Across the nation, homemade Guys – representing the long-executed Guy Fawkes – will be burned atop bonfires, prompting children to ask why everyone is so happy about a man being roasted alive. Parents will respond with the traditional answer: “It’s history, darling,” before checking their phone for the next fireworks display time.

Meanwhile, local councils have issued the usual warnings about fire safety, pets, and “maybe don’t launch rockets horizontally this year, Dave.” Despite this, emergency services are braced for a surge in burns, missing eyebrows, and bewildered Americans Googling why the British are chanting “remember, remember” about something that happened before electricity existed.

Still, the spirit of the night remains strong. “It’s about community,” said Hargrave, handing his five-year-old a sparkler the temperature of the sun. “And teaching the next generation that nothing says ‘God save the King’ like setting fire to a papier-mâché Catholic.”

The festivities will culminate in a grand display of fireworks, each one a glittering reminder that Britain’s proudest tradition is not blowing up Parliament — but finding increasingly creative ways to almost do it.