Trump Builds the Most Modest Room Ever, Leaving Melania Homeless

Declaring it “the most beautiful ballroom ever built,” Donald Trump has announced plans to name his new $300 million White House addition The President Donald J. Trump Ballroom, following the total demolition of the East Wing earlier this week.

The announcement came just hours after bulldozers were spotted reducing the historic section of the White House to rubble, a move the administration insists was “part of a necessary renovation” and “not at all a symbolic destruction of America.”

“People said, ‘Sir, you can’t knock down the East Wing,'”Trump said. “And I said, ‘Watch me. It’s my house.’ Obama didn’t even have a ballroom, which is sad.”

Sources inside the White House say the new ballroom will feature murals depicting Trump’s presidency “in tasteful scenes of divine glory,” including one of him handing the Constitution back to the Founding Fathers while shirtless on a horse.

The project, which is being funded entirely by private donations, has reportedly drawn major contributions from Google, Meta, and Amazon – all of whom denied any knowledge of it shortly after the announcement.

One White House aide said Trump insisted on naming the room after himself to avoid confusion with future presidents who might try to use it. “He’s really committed to historical accuracy,” the aide said. “That’s why the entrance will have a hologram of him saying, ‘You’re welcome, America.'”

First Lady Melania Trump has yet to comment on the demolition, despite the fact that her entire East Wing staff and offices were located there. Witnesses report she was last seen calmly packing a single Louis Vuitton bag and muttering something about finally being free.

Meanwhile, all public White House tours have been suspended “until further notice,” or at least until “the paint dries and the President’s initials are perfectly visible from space.”

Experts have warned that the project’s estimated cost of $300 million is likely to balloon further, though Trump insists the price tag is “a tremendous deal,” promising it will “pay for itself in weddings, movie premieres, and inaugural balls for the next 100 years – all mine.”

Construction is expected to finish before Trump leaves office in January 2029, a timeline analysts called “physically impossible” and Trump described as “ahead of schedule, under budget, and totally not a metaphor for anything.”