China’s Next Foreign Minister “On Extended Holiday” After Totally-Not-Political Detention

According to China’s non-propaganda outlet People’s Truth Daily, Liu Jianchao — the Chinese diplomat widely tipped to become the country’s next foreign minister — has been suddenly reassigned to a quiet, undisclosed location by authorities.

Liu, whose job involved managing relations with foreign political parties, was reportedly detained in late July for reasons that the Chinese government insists are “absolutely not political” — just as all totally-not-political detentions in China aren’t.

State media described the situation as “an opportunity for Comrade Liu to reflect on his career achievements in a peaceful, secure environment with minimal Wi-Fi.” Meanwhile, insiders whispered that the so-called “reflection period” coincidentally began just after he became the frontrunner for the foreign minister role.

“This is completely normal in our vibrant, democratic, freedom-loving system,” reassured a government spokesperson, before muttering something about “avoiding factionalism” and nervously adjusting their microphone.

Despite being officially a “people’s republic,” China’s political structure remains a curious blend of communism, capitalism, and “we’ll call it democracy if you stop asking questions.” Leadership changes are famously transparent — much like a brick wall.

Liu’s future remains uncertain, though analysts say his prospects are “somewhere between slim and accidentally-on-purpose forgotten.”

As one foreign policy observer put it: “This is the political equivalent of getting ghosted, except the ghost also controls the police, the courts, and the media.”