The grand trial of 2025: Israel v Peace

In an unprecedented legal maneuver, Benjamin Netanyahu has decided that the best way to secure peace with Gaza is by suing for it. Literally.

Sources close to the nation confirm that lawyers have been dispatched to file a lawsuit, naming “Peace” as the defendant in a groundbreaking case that experts are already calling “ill-advised but very on-brand.”

The Prime Minister, who announced the lawsuit in a press conference flanked by his team of war-weary litigators, declared, “After decades of negotiations, airstrikes, and the occasional backhanded diplomatic overture, we’ve realized the only way forward is through the courts. Despite our efforts, this idea of Peace itself still evades us!”

Netanyahu’s case describes the ceasefire of displaying “gross negligence,” “willful absenteeism,” and “unacceptable vagueness” in its refusal to show up in the region despite countless summits, and international finger-wagging.

When asked about representation, the United Nations General Assembly declined to comment. Speculation suggests Peace has retained the services of some hip, scruffy NGO that insists on holding meetings in vegan cafes.

The trial is set to begin in an undisclosed neutral venue, most likely Tel Aviv.

Analysts predict a tough road for Israel’s case, especially since Peace’s defense is rumored to be planning a counterargument rooted in “historical context” and “stop bombing people, maybe?”

Meanwhile, Hamas has reportedly considered suing Iron Dome for “unfair practices” but were advised against it by their legal team, who explained, “Iron Dome doesn’t even technically exist as a legal entity.”

But will it work? “Peace has dodged us for too long,” Netanyahu insisted. “If we can’t negotiate with it, we’ll sue it into submission. After all, it’s 2025, and litigation is the only language anyone respects anymore.”