Starmer recruits stormtroopers to stop people saying mean things

It was bound to happen. After months of Keir Starmer enduring Twitter slights such as “boring,” “robotic,” and the devastating “looks like a man who orders plain toast at Nando’s,” the Labour leader has taken drastic action. According to reports, Starmer has personally recruited a crack team of “Democracy Assurance Units” — better known as stormtroopers — tasked with eliminating “mean things” said about him online.

Armed with laminated screenshots of offending tweets and a ruthless sense of decorum, these enforcement officers have been unleashed upon the British public. Their mission? To root out sarcasm, banish shade, and ensure that every corner of social media is a safe space for Starmer’s plans to “incrementally address systemic issues over the next 14 to 20 years.”

One victim, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of further stormtrooper reprisals, recounted their harrowing experience.

“I was just sitting at home when they smashed through the door, yelling something about ‘insufficient positivity about renewable energy plans,'” they said. “They confiscated my laptop, my phone, and, insultingly, my ‘Still With Corbyn’ mug. The leader even wagged a laminated copy of my tweet in my face — all I said was ‘Starmer couldn’t inspire a toddler with free ice cream.’ It wasn’t even that mean!”

The victim’s children were promptly sent to Labour’s new “Kinder Politics Reeducation Camps,” and their dog, Mr. Snuffles, was taken to the garden for “enhanced questioning” involving a cold hose and a stern lecture about collective responsibility.

It’s not just social media users facing the wrath of Starmer’s stormtroopers. Sources close to Labour HQ suggest the leader has also deputized Alexa and Siri, instructing them to alert authorities if anyone in their household whispers “Keir Starmer has all the charisma of a beige sock.”

Despite the crackdown, whispers of rebellion are growing. Underground WhatsApp groups are sharing unflattering memes of Starmer’s manifesto voice and debating whether saying “he reminds me of an office chair” constitutes treason.

For the anonymous victim, there’s only one hope: anonymity and perseverance. “They may have taken my kids, my dog, and my phone, but they’ll never take my VPN. As long as memes survive, the resistance lives on.”