Farage Declares Reform UK is Not for Bigots, Just “Professional” Extremists

Addressing Reform UK’s largest-ever conference in Birmingham (yes, the one where Eminem’s Without Me blared as Farage lapped the crowd in true humble-hero fashion), Farage proclaimed the party had “come of age”. The message was clear: reforming Britain into a more regressive society requires a little professionalism these days. Apparently, xenophobia is more palatable if delivered in a suit and tie.

Despite snagging five seats in July’s election, Farage acknowledged that the party’s biggest enemy was, ironically, its own amateurism. A few “bad apples” within the ranks—candidates who shockingly made offensive comments throughout the campaign—had tanked Reform UK’s golden moment. Farage, ever the strategic genius, now plans to vet candidates “rigorously” going forward, ensuring that future extremists will at least come with a respectable LinkedIn profile.

Now, in a move that truly cements Reform UK’s aspirations, Farage has stated the party will take inspiration from the Liberal Democrats. Yes, you heard that right—those notorious radicals of centrist bureaucracy.

Farage has now gracefully outlined how only the most measured and thoughtful demagogues should be allowed to carry the banner of “Make Britain Britain-er”.

Farage’s parting words are a reminder that Reform UK now represents the “silent, decent majority”. Who are these people? Apparently, they’re the types who’ve been silenced so hard that they require Nigel Farage, a man who’s barely ever off TV for some reason, to speak for them.

So rest assured, Britain. Under Farage’s wise leadership, Reform UK will now continue its crusade against immigrants, “woke nonsense,” and basic decency—but with a professional edge.