Woman reaches epiphany that being awful to other women makes her awful

Here’s something to not bother writing home about – though if you were pieces of paper folded together for the entertainment of the unfeeling and incurious, you could always run it as a front page story…

And so, a woman who has quite literally made a living from making other women feel terrible about their looks and bodies has realised that it’s actually quite an awful thing to do – with genuine concern that nobody else in the world quite knows this yet.

With Pulitzer winning nuggets and Nobel nominated insights like, “It’s greed that makes you fat”, and, “fatties lack the willpower to stop eating”, it has taken her decades of belittling and vitriolic awfulness to realise that ultimately, she hated the fact her mother put on weight after having children (one of whom, of course, was her). In turn, she spent the rest of her life hating women who were larger than a broomstick and being so thoroughly uncomfortable in her own skin that everyone else simply had to suffer because of it.

Perhaps, in the midst of the fad-diet explosion, someone told her that making others feel small makes you physically smaller – and she’s run (or not) with it ever since.

“We’ve been worshipping the abnormally thin,” she muses, emerging from under the rock she must have been living under her whole life. “You can be big and healthy too.” Such an illuminating discovery has obviously never been disclosed before, and women the world over are forever changed now the beacon of understanding has finally been lit.

The internet has clearly enabled people who ought to be in therapy for their issues to, instead, have a platform where they can live out their problems by making other people need to go to therapy.

She would, of course, call all her girlfriends up for a Sunday brunch to discuss this revelation, but nobody wants to talk to her (part two of her journey of self-discovery, why?).

Top tip for the weekend: be nice to people, yeah?