NHS resorts to euthanasia to ease patient backlog

In a desperate bid to relieve the backlog of patients waiting for treatment on the NHS, hospitals across the UK have had no choice but to resort to euthanasia.

Nearly 3 million patients are awaiting treatment, and despite strike action and calls for the government to help expand services and resolve the pay dispute, the NHS is still suffering from staff shortages and a growing patient waiting list with unprecedented month-long waiting times.

There are other plans to trial virtual hospitals, where you may or may not be speaking to to a doctor who may or may not exist, as well as robotic assistants to help deliver medication throughout hospitals to ease the workload of staff and allow them to see more patients.

However, the use of robots remains in its largely ineffective trial stage – a 65 year old man received a diagnosis and treatment for menopause, while a young girl who had broken her knee was booked in for a colonoscopy.

Abd so it’s been reluctantly concluded that the most effective – and immediate – way to alleviate the strain on the healthcare system is euthanasia, since if people get the wrong treatment, they’re statistically more likely to be buggered anyway.

Somehow, the NHS has become an institution with doctors and nurses replaced by the army, robots replacing pharmacists, while Sajid Javid has crawled out from under his bridge to suggest people should pay for GP appointments and A&E visits, completely overlooking the glaring point that the reason we pay for the NHS itself throughout our entire lives is so that we don’t ultimately have to pay for essential healthcare and prescriptions.

And now, left with no other option, the system itself has completely broken down.

Basically, our only options now are to pay for healthcare twice through taxes and the appointments and still not be able to see anyone, figure out ourselves and diagnose on Web MD, or play Russian roulette with insentient robots.

Good luck out there everyone.