World fears grow as London is trapped in a queue time loop

The world has discovered Britains spacetime phenomenon: the Queue.

The UK has been preparing for a Queue of this magnitude their whole lives – but with it comes a whole host of underestimated dangers, that those outside of the UK are desperately trying to assess, lest the Queue phenomenon catches them off guard. (It won’t. Nobody queues like us.)

The back of the Queue is a no-man’s land, but the regions surrounding its length and breadth are of equal fascination. Scientists are yet to discover the Queue’s event horizon – the region where gravity is so strong nothing and no one can escape its pull, not even light can escape, and all conceptions of time and space completely break down.

“There’s a very real possibility, as people walk through London, that they will be sucked in beyond this point and end up in the Queue. Many may not even know what it’s for and come unprepared – no flasks of soup, or tea, not even a few boxes of Fingers to share out and keep up morale.”

For the majority of Londoners, this place is usually Bank station. But now, it is within proximity of the Queue to end all queues – and as it grows in length and reach, some are beginning to fear, it could end the world itself.

The UK is immediately divided into two groups: those who are in the Queue, and those watching the Queue. There is a live YouTube channel, with nothing but a map of London updated with current Queue length approximations, that is watched continuously by thousands of people.

The International Space Station has reported that the Queue can be seen from space. It is orderly, but confusing to those outside of the island. Queueing for at least 9 hours, possibly days, with nothing but a flask of soup?!

The ONS is attempting to calculate the number of unsuspecting people set to be lost to the Queue, in an attempt to appease international concern over its spread by demonstrating that it remains self-contained. Nonetheless, France has begun placing quicksand around its northern border to deter a cross-Channel queue invasion.

“It’s dangerous – if we’re honest, we’re not really sure what happens to people once they get pulled in – and is it continues to grow, what that means for the rest of the world,” one bemused scientist not from the UK explained.

There is also a palpable concern that people will join the wrong queue. Brits are always at risk of falling victim to other queues – a small gathering of people having a chat can inadvertently trigger the queuing phenomenon for absolutely nothing at all. With such a sprawling – but I must stress, orderly – Queue such as this, there are possibilities of splintering, until the entirety of London is consumed and paralysed by a web of inescapable queues.

As we look on in wonder, watching the numbers grow by the minute, one must ask – what if the Queue is closed and diverted as a control measure, and a second queue to join the Queue takes place? Will London be trapped in a time loop of queues to reach the Queue, drowning in infinite mutterings of,

“Sorry, is this Queue?”
“The Queue?”
“Yes, for the Queen.”
“Oh yes, yes this is Queue.”
“Oh good I thought we may have joined the wrong one!”
“No, this is the right one, well at least I hope so, I’ve been here for 3 hours already!”
They laugh together, and as another joins to have the same conversation, new friendships continue to be born.

The Queue is a movement of beauty. A poetic embodiment of artistic prowess. A mastery of British performance. It could provide the beginnings of a love story, and the opportunity for everlasting friendship – alongside the inevitable sharing of biscuits.

There is no greater phenomenon powerful in scope and opportunity than the Queue. While other countries look on in horror, amazement and confusion, we have no fear: Britain was built for this.

Long live the Queue.