Lifestyle sections solve self-indulgent first world problems

Lifestyle sections have essentially transformed into a collection of how not to style your life if you are a reasonable, level-headed person with the faintest understanding of reality, problem-solving and decision making, though I suspect it’s easy to go around offering advice when you are guiding people on things that are a just minor inconvenience.

Here are some of the most prevalent examples of devastation poor readers have had to seek help for:

I’m nervous about getting married.

…when did this become an unreasonable emotional response? Fine, perhaps you have commitment issues. In which case, get out.

My husband is grumpy and I want to help him without asking him what’s wrong. How can I get him to stop feeling this way and bringing down the vibe?

Sounds like you have bigger problems than his bad mood. Maybe if you asked him what was wrong it would both surprise him and relieve the situation.

I’m sleeping with my roommate and I’m attracted to him.

Ok. Ask him out?

I’m tired of accepting the responsibility of chores around the house. How do I tell my husband?

The same way you told me. By just… telling him.

I have been unhappy about a friendship for over 55 years. Why do I put up with her?

Absolutely no idea. Why do you put up with her?

I haven’t cheated on my partner because of lockdown. Now that we’re not, I’m worried I’ll have more sex with other people.

So the only thing that keeps you faithful is being confined to your home? Not really a solution here then. Personally I’m worried about your partner. Please leave them, you’re a terrible person.

Is this person I just met on an invite-only exclusive dating app my soulmate?

That’s entirely up to the both of you, not some magical mystical power that takes over while you lie back and completely fail to respect or appreciate each other because this is reality, not a rom-com, but maybe find out their last name first?

Which houseplant is best for me?

A green one that can handle your insistence to water it with Evian.

An unknown number keeps calling me on my iPhone. What do I do?

Don’t answer the phone or get a new number – how has this thought not iOccurred to you.

I had to stand on public transport yesterday. How can I reserve a seat? I always get to sit when I drive.

You brave soul, how on earth did you survive by simply remaining upright and fulfilling the intended purpose of our legs?

I had oysters yesterday and am worried about eating too much seafood. Should I have salmon for dinner?

Sure, if you want. I guess. Do people seriously not even know the basics of what they want anymore?