Musician ‘cancels’ a handbag hardly anyone can afford to public confusion

A musician worth around $500 million has written a song listing off her favourite designer brands while shockingly dismissing the power of the Birkin, ending the popular reign of a handbag that has a minimum $10,000 price tag and a waiting list.

While the majority of the human population opt for necessary, life-sustaining waiting lists for things like healthcare or a driving license, apparently there are many more who have been waiting for a handbag. No wonder there are hundreds of confused women walking around just carrying everything they own in bundled arms every time they leave the house. It all makes sense now. Ladies, we’ve all been doing it wrong.

In an added blow to this “iconic” receptacle for everyday objects like keys and a phone (celebrities are just like us really, after all),  she sings, “Birkins, them shits in storage”.

So what’s so special about this bag? Does it transform into a car? Does it have an infinite storage capacity a-la-Mary-Poppins? Does it shoot fire? Change colour? Compliment you on your outfit? Remind you to not forget your wallet?

No of course it doesn’t because it’s a bag. 

Apparently, disregarding a vessel that is way out of the general population’s price range is something that truly resonates with people in 2022. A devout following media and fashion outlets are staggered by the revelation that these luxury items worth hundreds of thousands of dollars are now gathering dust, not because of the utter waste of money and disconnect from the public that it displays – rather, an icon most people wouldn’t even dream of owning has been made defunct overnight, and we’re all supposed to cry about it and reassess our fashion choices.

For some mindlessly inexplicable reason, this has whipped up an internet storm, with some offering “condolences” to an inanimate object that nobody even realised they were supposed to mourn.

Without a Birkin, there was mass concern about what on earth we’d carry all our stuff in. To appease the loss and confusion, however, the song goes on to say that Teflar bags are the way forward.

That’s okay then. The world can rest easy tonight.